When we think of consent, we automatically think about it as in sex terms. Consent is important to have when engaging in sexual acts. If we don’t have peoples consent then it is called rape. Feminist often talk about rape culture. What does it mean? Rape Culture is by definition is a concept that links rape and sexual violence to the culture in which normalize, excuses, and tolerates rape. Along with this culture it includes victim blaming, and sexual objectification. Rape culture is a part of your everyday life and sometimes I wonder if we know we are engaging it in or tolerating it. The society we live in rapes us every day. It makes laws and enforces them with violence. It also tells me that if I don’t work for money I will die of poverty via starvation, a victim to the elements, become ill and have no way to seek treatment. Even when working people work they are still threatened with violence or experience the violence of poverty. The working poor who don’t make enough to secure their human needs to food, shelter, clothing, and health care. I wrote up a few things we can start to do as an everyday practice in which to free ourselves from this oppression and unwanted behavior. The results are not going to happen over night. We have a whole culture to change. You will continuously be subjected to these things but as long as you recognize it. You will be on your way to achieving self empowerment.
Everyday practice of consent is about being respectful to yourself and to others by respecting peoples personal space, your body, other peoples body, your emotional well being, others emotional well being.
In order to insure you and others are being respectful to each other, we must know each others boundaries as well as set up some for ourselves so that we know what suits our comfort zone. Personal boundaries are important because without them we can’t know why we feel one way or the other or tell people what they did wrong so they can correct it. Not allowing the correction of such violations means we will only be violated again, or we will destroy or never develop meaningful relationships. We have to remember that we live in a culture which is violent in nature, excuses and normalizes everything. Each and every one of us is guilty of it. We engage in it every day. Remember to forgive, and who is really to blame. If a person refuses to not be ignorant then cut them out of your life. But be mindful that people can and do change.
Once you set up those boundaries you are providing a platform of how you would like to be treated and will be able to recognize unwelcomed behavior. Unwelcomed behavior will make u uncomfortable or trigger an emotional response or reaction. There will be times in which we question things for example “maybe I am being overly sensitive, wrong or misunderstanding?” You are not wrong, they are your boundaries the person who crossed them was wrong and now it’s important to explain to them why. Another reason to set boundaries for you is so that when you cross someone else’s you will know how it feels and respond to this violation in a compassionate respectful way. You will also be more likely to respect people’s boundaries.
You are and will always be your own person. This idea that you belong to someone else should not continue. You are not property. Consensual agreements are one thing. If you consent to engage in monogamy then that’s awesome. But in no way shape or form does that means that someone owns you.
Key things you should use when practicing everyday consent:
- Learn how to say no without guilt or explanation
- Learn how to accept no as an answer. Don’t try to guilt people into getting your way. No means No
- Say what you mean. Be okay with what you are saying, be respectful as well when saying it.
- Communicate your intentions. Example: “it’s not my intent to hurt your feelings so this is why I am telling you now. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I just want to have sex with you.” When you communicate your intentions you are giving someone else a choice on whether they would like to continue in this kind of relationship instead of finding out later.
- Again boundaries. Be honest and open about them with others
- Don’t get too comfortable make sure to practice getting consent daily.
- Make sure you are open about triggers. Make sure you communicate what triggers you. Warn others about what might trigger emotional responses when watching a movie you have already seen or an article you read.
- The most important key is simple, ask nicely.
In summary we cannot recognize abuse or even rape if we don’t know that it is wrong. If we don’t have boundaries, self-respect for ourselves and our bodies we can’t demand it from others. Everyday consent leads to creating healthy relationships and an all-around better world by providing a safe environment for everyone to share in. By providing this we are laying the ground work for self-empowerment. Self-empowerment leads to direct democracy, mutual aid, and social liberation to thrive in.
No one is perfect that’s why we need to practice it daily. There is nothing more sexy and respectful than being treated like we are the most important people in the world. Because we are. Our lives have value
Butterflies and Barbed Wire 